Home Remedy¶

I once was annoyed with the holes in my head
My smeller was busted, my taster was dead
My feelers were broken, and deaf were my ears
And all that came out of my seers were tears

It bothered me often and soon I despaired
These things that weren’t working could not be repaired
But then came a product that fixed all of it
A simple, home facial proctology kit

I saw the commercial and went to the store
They weren’t too expensive; I bought more than four
I got my kits home, and unwrapped the stuff
The directions were certainly quite clear enough

I stood at the mirror, applicator in hand
And deftly disabled the child safety band
Five minutes of practice with tweezers and glue
It was easy to grasp what the levers would do

Attaching the tip to my head was a snap
I was hopeful that I’d soon be rid of this crap
And so with an eagerness I went to sleep
The tape would prevent it from slipping too deep

My dreams were a fleeting and humorous kind
The burden that held me would loosen, unbind
It wasn’t the first time I’d sleep-laughed with joy
Though this one induced by my marvelous toy

No longer would strangers think me a jerk
I’d see, smell, hear, taste them – my holes would soon work!
My sleep sopping thoughts gave me reason to hope
That I could reduce my dependence on soap

I grew semi-restless as night became day
The new dawning sun burned the blindness away
A surprising new sound was the chirping of birds
Though still half asleep, from my pie-hole came words

My meat muscled tongue, through its thin tartar coat
Could taste the sweet phlegm at the back of my throat!
Now more fully awake, I arose just to shit
Thanking God for that facial proctology kit

This poem was written in Charlotte, NC, in the wee hours of the morning at the Colonel’s house. I often wake myself up laughing, with a joke or a funny (to me) phrase. My wife often isn’t so amused. Anyway, facial proctology kit came to me in a dream, and this poem nearly completely wrote itself during the following 15 minutes. I’ve modified a few things here and there, but the final product, which you see above, was largely written in one shot.