Oracle Grovelings

© 1992-1996 Barry A. Warsaw

A groveling sent to the Usenet Oracle, hoping for a response…

Oh flatulent Oracle, who’s salami-induced belch smells like a field of roses, and sounds like a 1000-strong choir of eunichs singing the a capela version of John Denver’s little-known, early B-side release, Shove a Cheeseburger down my throat and I’ll slap you with this Brick polka, please relieve my intestinal suffering. Oh gassy Oracle, who’s particulate matter from said burp could feed the world, manna-like, for centuries, please answer me this question (go ahead, finish eating that lovely looking scrapple-salad and tuna fish burrito first):

If a duck will eat a chunk of dill pickle, and a deer won’t eat no Almond Joy, what will a dingo do?

A message exchanged with a fellow musician friend of mine, after a long period of dis-communication…

Subject: Boomst Goo, Dust-dog!
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 92 17:21:42 EST

Dearest Shweg,

Have you cleant out yer sam, or does ya still gots mud in yer bubba?

Be you is, or be you ain’t?

How much slack can a slippery slappa-dakkus slurp if a slippery
slappa-dakkus could slurp slack?

When have you last exchanged body-fluids with the enormously (be he
ever so beat-worthy) Chris-ful one?

Is your soul well-bonded to your new mate, or should I heat up the
soldering gun and uncap the flux?

To melt or not to melt, that is the cheese.

Oh, yon faithful Air-fed Nadley! Have ye riddled these questions
perplexing? If foresooth, then post haste and without malice, vomit
thine answer oh so electronically hither so that it may spew
gloriously across the inside of this, my cold, glass window on the
world. If, soretooth, then woe is me, for I would mourn the day the
ever-elastic, silver, quasi-conceptual wire betwixt us was snapped,
like so much dry tinder crushed under the weight of a large sea-mammal
which, in mid-mate, had been unceremoniously transplated millenia back
in time – displaced countless angstroms in distance!, to the foreign
domain of the ancient rainforest wilderness which is now partly New
Zealand and partly a submerged and dormant volcano in the Indian Ocean
populated by a race of highly intellegent but incredibly tiny sea
otters, as yet undiscovered by man.

I await your bits…

Tangerinely yours,
Pumpi Chank

…and my response to his response…

you> Does your spooge splat?

not since i’ve been taking my medication. now it only
splortches. much less benign since i can actually tickle the backside
of my knees these days without dribbling offensive liquids from my
right ear.

on the other hand, the oblong purplish pills do produce one
disheartening side effect. apparently the small toe on my right foot
and the second and third toes on my left have started to grow some
form of potent catnip-like fungus which just won’t go away. i’m oft
awakened in the early hours by Paco (our cat) biting, sniffing, and
generally experiencing crazed, drug induced feline orgasms on the tiny
appendages. ah well, at least she doesn’t poop on our food when we’re
not looking…

as for you, would you rather bring home the bacon, or be water soluble?

…a deep though to be muttered aloud

If I’m looking to buy a graphical user interface system which exhibits
an object-oriented-like behavior, does that mean I want an OOy GUI?